"Lost and Freed!!!!"-by Me

(Written Jan. 2005)

This poem is my personal testimony. I didn't really want to put this private poem up but it may help others who have and are going through this to see the glorious light at the end of the tunnel. This poem is long and sort of dark at the beginning but it reflects the very hard struggle it took for me to come out into the sunlight with my Master. I have shed so many tears, but now I am living in joy and rest in Christ. This is the story of my life from around age 14 to now......

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all around me the darkness reigns
i feel constricted by the silent miseries that surrounds me
i curl up into a ball
i try to think pretty, bright, sunny thoughts
the blackness overwhelmes them
i walk around on my tiptoes
i try not to disturb the other prisoners.

they are all curled up in little balls
trying to create worlds of their own
somehow we always fail
the dark never leaves us
we hear voices
whispering, speaking, shouting in our minds
we cry, we sob
we don't let anyone know of our inner torment
but we all know
we all feel the pain that exists when the sun doesn't run rise
when the darkness lift
when life seems to stop and we wait
in death-like stupors.

i can't find a way out
i can't find an escape from this black world
of pain and aloneness
i am alone
i am surrounded by others
but i am alone
we are all alone in our thoughts and paths of temporary escape
that always lead us to dead ends
i have no joy
i know not what elation is
i am always angry, alone, upset, heartbroken.

this world is like a labyrinth
we can't find a way out
the voices are leading us deeper and deeper
i try to shut them out
sometimes it works
but it always seems as if i run out of power
i cannot raise the sun
i cannot lighten my world on my own
i need help
but whose?

someone once told me about Someone who can brighten my night and keep it bright
Someone who is bigger and stronger than me
but to get His help, i have to give up my own will
my own struggling to grab and hold something that isn't there
i have to cry out for His hand and hold it with everything in me
because this change of leadership is going to hurt, a lot
i want to think about it
i want to weight the good and the bad
but as i try, the voices that are trying to drown me get louder
i can't ignore them anymore.

i raise my eyes from downcast to looking up
i am going to hang on really tight
i won't let go, i yell.

it is so painful but that must mean He is working
i already feel lighter in my heart
i realise that for the first time i am experiencing joy and pain-together
i can see now little fingers of light shooting out towards me
it is dark still but it is getting lighter
and i am no longer alone.

He is beside me holding my hand
in front of me leading me
behind me guarding me
beneath me bearing me up
i am no longer alone.

i have come out of the darkness into a beautiful land
i can see other people just like me
i recognize those who used to live on my right and on my left, in pain
now we are all free
we soar and we dart like birds
we are free
but not entirely
we know that we are powered by Him
we live in faith that He will never let go
but if i let go
i will fall, i will crash, i will die
i will NEVER let go
so help me, God!!!!!!

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[I don't not have any caps but when I mention Christ-in the original form, i had everything on the left side of the page in a sort of art form. :)]