Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I am probably the most random person you'll meet...

Hahaha!! I hope that isn't a bad thing. My randomness doesn't come out when I need to be serious so no worries there.

Anyway, on a complete impulse, I cut my hair-SHORT, and I have BANGS!! I haven't had bangs for years (probably 2. Haha!) Also, on impulse, I colored my hair RED!! I know, I know, I just got it highlighted more than a month ago, but my sister told me with my new haircut I looked like a 50-year old, politician's wife. Can't have that! So I was going to go back to my natural brown but changed my mind and went red on the spur of the moment. I like it! It is really red though...

Everything is okay with me, I think. I still am struggling (sometimes) with the sacrifices I made but I just remind myself to put them in perspective. The other thing that really helps is reminding myself, when I am being tempted/having a rough time, that Satan is scared that I am going to do something GREAT for God. That is why he is fighting so hard to keep me from complete obedience to God. My mom told me this when I came home from my abortion presentation a week ago. (I told you all about it in the post below this one.) God has given me a fire and a passion that attracts people and a talent for public speaking. I know that God is going to do great things through me, as long as I stay in obedience and faith (especially right now, when everything seems so difficult.)

I have also decided that people, even though God often uses them as tools, can't be completely relied on. Only God is always there for me, always knows what I am going through, and can always, always help me, when I come to Him. I am very grateful for my "support" group (my family) but they can't do for me what God can and promises to do. So, I am learning to rely on people less, and on God, more.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I said, "Yes, with all that is in me, yes, Lord, yes!!"

Two days ago, Jesus asked me how much I love Him. He asked if I loved Him more than my job. He asked if I loved Him more than a friendship that I treasured deeply. He asked if I loved Him enough to take up my little cross and follow Him. It hurt, but I said "YES!!!" and I keep saying yes whenever Satan tries to make me doubt it. I have to because I wouldn't be safe if I didn't. The Bible says that if we deny Christ, He also will deny us. Well, for me, denying Christ would be keeping any little thing for myself when Christ asked for it. So I had to deny myself so that Christ would not deny me. How scary it would be if Christ denied me!! I've been reading in Revelations and James and hell is not at all an appetizing place to spend eternity.

But giving up stuff that seems good isn't to bad, once you just turn your back to them and pin your eyes on Christ. And you wouldn't believe how much joy and zeal the Lord has given me in just two days. My mom and grandma keep commenting on how changed I am. Well, give thanks to the Lord, who has done a mighty work in me.

The Lord has taught me these things:

1) ANYTHING, no matter how innocent or good it seems, that is a distraction from complete faith, trust and obedience in the Lord has to be gotten rid of. The Bible says, "If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off." That is pretty strong language about a part of your body!! How much more that would apply if it were something like a friendship or a job! God promises to give us every good thing, in His timing. We just have to wait for it. And believe it or not-we don't even have to wait that long to see the fruits of good choices, like with me. I went out on faith, quit my job and ended a friendship and already I have more deep, bubbling-over joy and peace than I have had in.....maybe forever!!

2) Discontentment is disbelief that God knows what is best for us. I had to be SO strict with myself yesterday. The day before yesterday, I spent mostly in tears because I felt like I was making SUCH a big sacrifice. But yesterday, during family devotions, I realized that if I continue to mope and groan about sacrificing for God, I am basically saying, "I don't believe You, Lord. You don't know what You're doing. I g...u...e...s...s I'll go along with You, but I think You're wrong and I'm not happy about it." HOW TERRIBLE that a puny little human would do that to the Creator of the UNIVERSE!!! It is so frightening how out of perspective we humans get, and then (!!!) defend our position!! So ridiculous...

3) I, and the rest of humanity, am attracted to things that stroke my ego, that make me feel good from a physical standpoint. But this isn't Christian. My sister Harmony, (http://truthtellergirl.blogspot.com) and I were talking about this and she came up with a very analogy. She said that friendships shouldn't be two people, holding mirrors and showing each other their own reflections but friendships should be two people holding mirrors showing God's reflection to each other!!

Hey, guess what?!! All my interests and desires have changed in two days too!! I now longer have any desire for music other than hymns and classical music (this isn't an issue for everybody, but I have had a bad habit of turning on loud, rocky music and zoning out everything, but worst, the Holy Spirit.) Also, I studied for 6 hours today!! I usually don't like studying, especially when I don't have to, but I just couldn't stop today! I was reading a book called, "The Cost of 'Choice'." It's about the harmful effects of abortion on women. It was really challenging mentally because it is a collection of essays, written by professional women (professors, lawyers, doctors, etc.) so it is very scientific and has tons of big words. I just loved it.

It is so amazing to me, let alone my family, how quickly the Lord has changed me. It is unbelievable and I mean that!! But with the Lord, "EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Sacrificial Life

Today God is asking me to give up things that are very dear to me. Ordinarily, I would be really, really upset about losing these things. But I want-with all my heart- to be where the Lord is and in order to do that, I have to obey Him, 100%.

The Bible says that "every good and perfect thing comes from the Father of light, in whom there is no dark or shifting shadow." That verse is what makes me happy today, instead of sad. I know that if these things were good for me, God would give them to me. But they must not be, therefore God is helping me to have a heart of thanksgiving instead of mourning about losing them.

Christianity is about sacrifice when you look at it with superficial eyes. But the more time you spend thinking about it, the more you realize that everything God asks us to give up now isn't lasting and He is only replacing it with far better things. Going with our natural desires is like choosing a plastic ring from the dime store instead of waiting for a little while for a $1 million ring from Tiffany's!!

So, today, I go forth with an attitude of gratitude that God sees fit to help me to grow- even if the growth hurts a little and maybe even a lot while it is happening.

Oh, yes!! An update on my last two finals....

I was more nervous about my writing final which was a two-minute presentation than my American Government presentation on abortion that was 10-15 minutes long. I think that is because I feel so passionately about saving unborn babies that I was excited for the opportunity. In writing, I was nervous because it was such a "superficial" topic, one that didn't really have lasting value.

Both presentations went well, but the abortion presentation went much, much better! I was able to think quickly on my feet and answer all the questions clearly and eloquently (except for one that I was a little confusing about.) Thank You, Lord!! One of the girls who did a pro-life presentation with me did hers on partial-birth abortions and she brought some extremely powerful drawn diagrams that depicted a p-b abortion being done. We passed those around the room, and it was interesting to watch the college students' faces turn and grimace when they saw the gruesome diagrams. I pray we changed some peoples' minds about abortion or at least made them think differently about it.

Monday, March 20, 2006

One down, two more to go!!

I just finished my math final and with the exception of one problem, I am pretty confident about how it went. Thank You, Lord!!!

I think it probably helped that I went to the pool and got a double shot caffiene, triple shot syrup large coffee. Hahahaha!! I am still feeling the effects of that.

I am pretty nervous about my other two finals. I have to write an essay for American Government and give a ten-minute presentation on abortion on Wednesday morning. I'm not too worried about the writing final because we are only giving a two-minute speech. The only thing I am concerned about it what to use as a visual aid. We are supposed to have a transparency for the projector but what on earth am I supposed to put on it? Well, I'll have to think of something brilliant before 8:30 tomorrow morning.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

An Old-ish Poem by Me

Simple minds
And weak bodies
Can be the wisest and
The strongest.
Did you know this?

Do you want to be the least?
Do you know that the lowest depths
Are the greatest heights?
Did you know that the feeblest man
Is the sturdiest of all?

How can one explain
The miracle of faith?
How can one put in plain words
The metamorphosis
Of a cowardly mind
To the heart of a lion?
How can one explain the power
Of the Lord?

I cannot.
One cannot tell the majesty
Of the Lord that we serve,
Whose folly is wiser
Than all of man’s wisdom,
And whose weakness is mightier
Than all of man’s strength.

This is the God I serve.
I am weak, but He is strong.
He says that the last shall be first,
The least shall be greatest,
And the humblest will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

O, Lord!
Help me be the least.
Help me let go of my façade of strength,
For the vastness and reality of Yours.

O, Lord!
Help me be last.
Help me lay down the pride and the will that
Keeps trying to get ahead but only knocks me down,
For the glory that is You.

O, Lord!
Help me be humble.
Help me accept the missteps and mistakes that come from
Being alive on this earth, instead of defending my honor,
For the perfection of faith in you.

O, Lord!
Help me deserve the kingdom of heaven.

1-16-06, age 18

Memories of Chinese Checkers

Bright balls roll
Around a cardboard star,
Sliced in wedges of blue, green, purple, red, yellow.

My sister's eyes twinkle as she jumps
Her glassy, banana-yellow sphere over
My sea-blue marble,
Like a frog over a lilypad.

I laugh and wave my arms madly
In the ectasy of the moment.
I ever so slightly touch the edge of the box
And the marbles fall out
Of their shallow valleys
And roll to new homes
Inside the star.

My sister looks at me,
Her blue eyes narrow.
I laugh,
Her only power is to not play
And she is too caught up in the game
To wield it.

She is many rows ahead of me
And I shriek when she gets her shiniest
Marble into the highest valley
And wins the game the Chinese play
Instead of playing checkers.


This is just a funny poem. I didn't spend too much time on it. But I decided that I need to force myself to write creatively at least once a day. This is today's effort.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

YAY!! Finals week begins tomorrow!

I am so excited and nervous at the same time.

Oh, I wrote a new poem today. It doesn't have a title yet though. But I really like how it is turning out....I'll put it up hear when I have time and when it is finished.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

I feel sick... my stomach is in knots. Probably partly cause I am tired out of my tree (what a funny expression!) and I only had a few grapes and a granola bar for breakfast.

Please pray for me. Finals are next week, though, so school is nearly over. Today is my last Math 95 class- WAHOO!!

Well, I need to go to class now.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I love this song!!!

When I said that I would follow
It was with an honest heart
But I didn’t fully understand the cost
’cause there are saints throughout the ages
And there are those today
Who show us what it really means to carry the cross
That only fuels my devotion
No matter what comes I will say

(chorus)Yes, I believe
I believe with all that is in me
Yes, I believe

Though the world rises up against me I will be faithful
To the choice I have made
I am determined
I will not be ashamed
To live so the whole world can see
That yes, I believe
There will never be a reason
To lose this confidence
For I have found where my assurance lies
It is not in my own power
But in who my savior is
And the truth of this conviction
Makes me shout to the sky

(repeat chorus)Yes, I believe he is risen
Yes, I believe we are forgiven
Yes, I believe and one day we’ll see him
And together we’ll say(repeat chorus)


YES, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. No mater what comes, I believe!! If it doesn't make any sense, I choose to believe. Because God is so much bigger than me and He has a plan that is infinitely better than anything I could plan for myself. (I just need to remember this cause so often I forget...)

Sometime my brain gets in the way....

I can count the hours of sleep I got last night on one hand. It is all the fault of my overactive mind. It just wouldn't shut off!!!!

Today, I have so much besides school to think about. I don't really think this is a good thing since finals are next week- YAY!!!!

(Speaking of finals, mine shouldn't be too bad. My writing final is just a writing assignment that I have been working on for two weeks (due Thursday) and a "professional academic presentation" (whatever that means.) My American Government final is supposed to be crazy long and I have to give a ten minute presentation on abortion, too. My math final is the one I am worried about...)

So I wish I had a turn off switch on the back of my head sometimes. Wouldn't that be so nice?? Then I could just hit the sack, turn my brain off (that sounds pretty wierd now) and sleep. Ooooo, sleep sounds REALLY good now!!!



Monday, March 13, 2006

Okay-all is well.

My dog is okay. (Thank You, Lord!!) Turns out she just has a fat deposit-called a lympoma or something like that.

Life is so short.

You know that bumper sticker that says, "Life is short. Pray hard."? Well, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. But I think it is incomplete to say, "Pray hard." The Christian walk isn't only about praying. Yes, that is a tremendous part of it but it isn't all of it.

Christianity is about trusting that God will provide the impossible. Christianity is about blind faith that God will take care of everything when humans can't do anything. Christianity is about obedience even when the command seems nonsensical. Christianity is complete and willing slavery to Someone we can't even see. None of this makes sense to the world, It doesn't makes sense that anyone could be so passionately devoted to a unseen God that they would willingly be matyred for His sake.

This goes back to my previous post. This is true love. Christianity requires true love, love that means we are willing to die for Christ.

Not all Christians have to physically die. But all Christians have to die to specific things all day long. That is what Christianity is. We have to be willing to give up our desires in order to glorify God. This is painful and the last thing on earth we want to do sometimes but that is love. What is best for God, for His will to be done, for Him to be glorified-not what is best for me?

Besides, it doesn't make any sense for us to go with our human desires in the long run because the human body "is a flower quickly fading." As I look at my grandmother, in her wrinkled, swollen body, I recognize this. I may be strong and beautiful now but how long will that last? A few decades? My sister put a sign on our bathroom wall, right next to the mirror. It says that the human body is designed to wear out. Why worship something that is marked for the trash can??? It doesn't make sense.

So, the only sense I can make right now is that I have to love Christ with all my being, all my heart, all my mind. Our souls are eternal and we all get to decide where we spend eternity-heaven, with everlasting joy, or hell, with everlasting pain?

Seems like an easy decision to me when you put it that way.....

:( *tears

I just found a walnut-sized tumor on my beloved dog, Sheera. I'm not kidding about the beloved part. I am extremely attached to her. I knew that she would probably have to get put down when her hips made her unable to walk (she has square-in-circle hip joints, so they won't last her too long,) but I never expected it this soon. I'm not crying yet cause maybe everything is okay and it's not malignant but it totally put a wet blanket on everything.

Why is Sheera so special to me? She just is. Also, she will sing, like a wolf, to me for a long time and she won't sing for anyone else in the house. (I am teaching her bass and soprano but she doesn't get it yet.) It's fitting cause her name is Hebrew for song. She loves me more than anyone else in the family, except for maybe Mom because Mom is usually the one who feeds her. I know she is just a dog but she is very special. I don't think I have to explain this cause if you have a dog, you'll know exactly what I am talking about.... :(

I'll tell you what's up as soon as we know more. I'm going to take her to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully.
"Love is not love, if it alters when alteration it finds."

I put this quote on my notebook for school. I like it so much but I am not sure why... The Biblical meaning of love is being willing to lay down your life for someone else. How often do we really feel this sort of love? Not mere physical attraction to the opposite sex but true, heartfelt love??? Of course, for me at least, my family comes under this sort of love for me, but I don't always act like that. Hmmm. Today, my goal is to show love.... we'll see how much better the day goes because of it too.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

(No Title. Haha!)

I went to bed at 10:30 last night and got up at 10:30 today. 12 hours of sleep!!! I haven't gotten that much in a long time. I needed it so bad though.

My last post was kind of disbalanced. I should have talked about how God is the ultimate comfort and how Christians need to grow to the point that when they have problems, anxiety, etc., they need to run to Christ for comfort. I have found this to be true so often. People can only do so much, but God is infinitely powerful and loving to those who love Him and trust Him.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

I shouldn't be sad....

I got to go snowboarding today with two of my best friends. I barely fell at all and that was only when I was showing off for the guys-every single time I showed off, I fell. It was terrible-terribly funny!! Pride goes before a fall after all.

I shouldn't be sad at all right now but I am because I want to make one of my best friends happy cause I don't think he is happy right now, and I can't. I think he is putting on a brave face. Why is it innate in guys to put up brave faces ALL the time? Why do they ALWAYS have to be the strong ones? I wish that guys, this one in particular, knew that the girls/women who love them, are there for them and are just waiting for an opportunity to comfort them in return for all the many times that we cry on the guys' shoulders. Isn't that what women do best-comfort? Isn't that part of what God made us for? To comfort and encourage? Goodness knows that other women are always coming to us, in need of a shoulder to cry on or just to talk to but the guys never do.... I think they think they are fooling everyone into thinking they are okay when they put up a brave face, but the people who care for them deeply can see right through it so it isn't like they are protecting/fooling us. So that's why I am sad-cause I am helpless to do anything but let him know I'm there for him....

Well, I have a mid-term to get a jump on for American Government. Goodnight....Oh yeah, this is my 100th post!! Yay me!!! :)

Friday, March 10, 2006

Two new poems and NO MATH!!

I'm so happy-I don't have any math class today. So I'm sitting in the library, updating my blog, and hanging out with one of my best friends and all my good buddies from math class. I think that we don't have math since it is snowy and icy outside (or was) so my math teacher couldn't make it to class.

I wrote two new poems in the last month. Remember that poem I was telling you about, "Nature Mourns?" Well, it isn't finished but I'm gonna go ahead and put what I have up so you can read it, but not critically.

My other poem is called, "Gaza Strip." It's from the eyes of a young Palestinian. If you don't know about the Gaza Strip, it is a small parcel of land 3 miles long with the Mediterranean on one side. Many Palestinians are forced to live here by Israel, as Israel continues to try to take Palestine for itself.

Tears From Gaza Strip

Is this the world?
This bright light, dimmed by grief and greed?
Is this the world?
The laughter of children replaced by the staccato of machine guns?
Is this the world?
Fenced by the see and concrete hate,
No exploration, no adventures and beauty is locked out.
Is this the world?

No, this is my world.
This is the artwork of predjudiced hate and fear.
This is what the shadowed, veiled beast willed.
Claiming all for himself,
Fighting for dominance,
Fighting against God
From before time began,
To the bottomless pit and the brimstone lake.

Nature Mourns

Oh sad lackluster day.
Even the sky is crying,
Mourning the lovers lost,
The smiles sacrificed on the death bed of passion.

Rain runs down the foggy windows,
Like tears course her ashen cheeks.

Skeleton branches of a dying oak wave madly in the wind,
Like her empty arms clutch and hold nothing.


This poem isn't done, SO not done. But if I put it up here, then every time I open my page I will see it and remember to finish it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wow. This week has been.....no comment.

If I rated my week on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best ever, it would be a 2. I haven't been getting sleep at night but you know what!!!-I am SO done complaining about how hard my life is cause on the BIG scale of things- it is really, really easy!!!

I just got done playing volleyball for 1.5 hours and that was so much fun. It is a really good stress reliever. Swim lessons weren't too bad today-maybe cause I know we only have two left (yay!!!) and cause the water was warmer. And I found out I'm getting a good grade in math (a solid B) so I'm pretty happy 'bout that.

Now, I just have to get through Friday (American Government, then Math 95). Hopefully I'm going snowboarding on Saturday. (Did I mention that is has been SNOWING all day??? It isn't sticking but it's been snowing like crazy!!)

I have been reading in Romans (chapters 3, 4, and 5) the past couple days and they are SO good. I'll try to copy down some of the verses on here because they are so comforting and encouraging to me so they should help you.

Goodnight and sweet dreams......

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


I am doing better. It isn't cause of sleep though. I went to bed at like 11 p.m. last night but couldn't get to sleep for FOREVER and usually I am out like a light-just ask my sister. Then I had nightmares about a super good friend of mine that I had just been talking to and I woke up a bunch of times. My sister got up at 4 a.m. to use the rest room or something cause she woke me up. Now I am up again to finish writing my memo for my Am. Gov. class. I SO cannot wait for this term to be over. Then I don't have to lifeguard lap swim-at least hopefully not- and not have crazy homework EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I am taking one class next term- Math 111. But it shouldn't be too bad because that will be my only class to worry about the homework for.

Well, keep praying for me and know I am praying for you, friends. Keep the faith!!!!!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Right now, I really don't like who I am naturally...

Yeah that post was all happy and whatever this morning but tonight is tonight and tonight STINKS. I really do "hate" myself/personality right now. My sister is cool cause she can be friendly and serious and all that at the same time and keep a level-head on 99.9% of the time. Now me-I am extremely friendly naturally so I get into trouble when I am myself. If I am around a guy and am myself, they think I am flirting with them cause I am so friendly/cheerful. Well, I'm gonna have to go to extremes of being unfriendly or something cause I am getting myself into SO much drama. Guys don't seem to understand that I am NOT flirting with them when I am friendly, so, apparently, I need to be like "hello-goodbye," (I guess rude in my standards) or something cause this is SOOO not working anymore.

A little help here???? Anyone?

(I know I had terrible grammar today but I am really upset/stressed/mad at myself right now.)

Some Thoughts for Your Day....

My mom told me this old proverb this morning and it is helping me so much today, "Worry is like a rocking chair-it keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere." So I am bound and determined to worry as little as possible today.

I was standing and waiting for the bus this morning, listening my mix cd from a friend, and getting wet because my umbrella kept blowing in wierd directions. Then I looked across the street, over the houses, and up into the sky and this is what I saw: I saw brilliant blue, I saw birds and sunshine. And this is what I realized: the rain is always the hardest right before it stops. The rain has been pretty hard for the past few weeks so that must mean that it's probably almost about to stop.

I have joy, God-given joy and I am not going to give that up because of the rain clouds in life. Somewhere, behind the clouds, the sun is ALWAYS shining. Behind the trials, God is always breathing life and joy into my life. Thank you, Lord, for your indescribable gift; help me to never take it for granted.

Monday, March 06, 2006

SUCH a Monday!!

"Lost" my cell phone (I left it at home), had a stumper of a math mid-term, got complained to about another teacher by two swim lesson moms, and got signed up by someone at the pool to work four spring break shifts (which I'm NOT gonna do-yes, I'll tell my boss, but WHO would do that???)

Stupid Mondays.

Anyway, tomorrow is Tuesday which holds promise for being a good day except that I hate teaching so many swim lessons in the afternoon cause I get so cold that I hurt. My lips turn blue too. It's kind of funny cause whenever I look up in the stands, most of the moms smile sympathetically down at me cause it's pretty obvious how cold I get, cause I hug myself and rub my arms and legs and my teeth chatter. WHY do I get so cold? The girl who teaches with me is smaller than me and she doesn't get cold till the last lesson. Why is that?

Thursdays are usually my worst day ever. Maybe cause it is near the end of the week and I'm starting to get exhausted. But also cause this guy is at the pool and he is such a pervert/jerk. I totally don't mean this but I need a boyfriend just to beat this guy up and get him to leave me alone.

On the other hand, God has been really helping me to grow this past week and a half. I've been reading my Bible a whole lot more each day and today I read "The Vanishing Proofs of Evolution," during my lunch break. I'm so grateful for His grace and even more for His mercy to me. I know I don't deserve anything that He has given me. I just need to remember that when I start to get depressed or full of myself....we all do. Oh what a holy, mighty God we serve!!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I LOVE this picture. It is me, being free at the beach.

I really like this one. This is from my best friend's and my beach trip to celebrate my 18-ness. :)

Drama, drama, drama!!

Sheesh. Paint the dog's nails and everyone FREAKS out!! My goodness. Once anyone notices the chihuahua walking around with sharp, little nails that look like she stepped in blood, run for the hills. They all went ballistic. They should just be glad I didn't paint the big dog's nails considering they are three times larger-at least. Oh and my little sister didn't help things any cause she reminded everyone of the time I drew pretty blue designs on the back of her white rat. I mean, HEY, I'm improving their appearance. Chihuahuas and rats aren't beauty queens after all. Hahahaha! I think my little sis took the nail polish off the dog but just wait-when no one is looking, the Beauty Bandit WILL strike again!!!

Hahahaha! I really need to go study for my mid-term now.......

Happiness today!!!

YAY!! Today is a good, good day; in fact, this is a good, good weekend. I slept in, did my math homework (and understood it!), cleaned my room and danced around my room to some the best happy songs ever. I'm gonna mop the kitchen floor now and then finish "The Count of Monte Cristo," which ranks in my Top 10 favorite adventure movies. (Don't ask which is #1 cause I'd have to think about it for a long time.)