Sunday, October 22, 2006

"Your Love"

The sky has never looked
This blue
During my blackest storms.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The sun has never shined
So brightly
In the midst of so many thick clouds.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

My most mournful dirges have never
Been such sweet, happy
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The highest mountains have never
Been flat, rolling plains
In my life.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The tremendous winds have never
Come and gone as
These gentle, caressing breezes through my hair.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

Your love catapults my spirit
To heights unknown to rockets and spaceships,
Even when my body and mind
Are filled with chaos and pain.

Your love lifts my feet to dancing
Even when the music has
Long since stopped
And the lights gone out.

Your love is the flame that
Warms my heart
When the icy travails of
My red enemy would
Long since have frozen and killed me.

Your love lights
The path You have
Chosen for me,
Illumining boulders and barriers.
And Your love carries me
When I am too weak to
Crawl onward.

Most of all,
Your love gives me a reason to live...


I mean every word of this. I could not begin to take the next step without the Lord's love and His strength...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

"People Will..."

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you.
They will say,
It is all impossible,
Give up,
You don’t have what it takes,
Let this tough stuff
Pass you by.
People will doubt you.

Throughout your life,
People will hurt you.
They will break your heart,
And try to break your spirit.
They say words are harmless,
They’ll say you can’t take a joke,
And they’ll disguise their malice
With a wicked laugh.
People will hurt you.

Throughout your life,
People will leave you.
They will promise to stick by you
Through thick and thin.
But when the rubber meets the road,
Push comes to shove,
You may find yourself all alone.
People will leave you.

Throughout your life,
People will lie to you.
They will say things
They never meant
To satisfy feelings,
Or just to make you cry.
People will lie to you.

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you,
People will hurt you,
People will leave you,
People will lie to you.
So why trust people?
Why not find Someone
Who will never doubt, hurt,
Leave, or lie to you?
Why not find the ultimate friend?

He’s looking for someone exactly like you.
He laid down His life for you.
He won’t let you go, when life gets rough.
He will tell you the truth, even when the truth
Is the last thing you want to hear,
But the thing that most needs to be said.

People can’t always be trusted,
Because people aren’t perfect.
God can be trusted,
So open your heart to Him
And find a friend,
Who will never
Hurt you,
Doubt you,
Leave you,
Lie to you.A friend who truly loves you.

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone. But even the most well-meaning people can unintentionally let us down, etc.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I need to remember this:

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
-Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

Friday, July 14, 2006

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

"Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for
Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes you fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and LIVE."

I LOVE those lyrics. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time about called, "Broken Boxes." But this song has meaning to me because I experience and do all the things mentioned in the song on a daily basis, especially the "falling on Jesus" part. It helped me, maybe it will help you. Goodnight, I only got 4.5 hours of sleep so I'll play "catch-up" now.

Wow, hidden comments.

This is just a super brief post saying "thank you!" I didn't know I had such a thing as comment moderation on my blog. So when I checked I had EIGHTEEN comments waiting to be published. So thanks, y'all. Sorry I never realized it before now. Anyway, off to do better things with my life.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

"My Secret"

No one else knows my secret,
But I'll tell you.

I may look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up,
All the thing we wanted
To become when we were ten years old.
But inside, I am still a scared little girl
When the lights go out
And I am alone with my nightmares,
My fears and
My softly falling tears.

But I still look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up.
So I can't run to Mom,
Throw open her bedroom door,
And climb under her covers.
So I lie in my bed
And wait for the sun to
Peep over my window sill.

But I do not wait alone.

Jesus knows my secret.
He knows I am a baby lamb in sheep's clothing,
And I need the comforting presence
Of my Shepherd.

So He comes to me.
And when my flesh and heart fail me,
He catches me as I fall.
When my anxious thoughts overwhlem me,
His consolations give me rest.

I am still a little lamb in sheep's clothing,
But my good Shepherd watches over me
By night and by day.
And any troubles that assail me in the night
Cannot overcome the power of my Shepherd's might.
And now YOU know my secret...

"For He gives to His beloved even in her sleep."-Psalm 127:2

"They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guied them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:13

"Perfection." (My poem.)

I’ve come to terms
With the truth:
My New Year’s resolution
Will never occur-
I will never be perfect.

The Bible says
Present yourself an
Unashamed workman.
Well I am ashamed of my handiwork.
I try and tryTo avoid scarlet cheeks
And the constant paradeOf my foot to my mouth.
I wear rubber bands to remind me,
Tape to bind my mouth shut
But somehow, I always slip up.
Like today and the day before,
And the weekend before that.
I wish I was a little rabbit
Buried deep in a burrow.

But hiding away from life’s little slips,
Means never showing the effects of God’s greatest gifts-
Forgiveness and love,
Mercy and peace.

When He made me,
He knew what He created.
He created an imperfect (by my standards)
Girl, who speaks before she thinks,
And leaps before she looks.

And even though I often find myself
Tumbling down
Because of another mistake,
The best leap I ever made
Was the one straight into His arms.

That blind faith is
The only kind of perfection
He asks for and the only kind I’ll ever need.

"Jesus Loves Me!" (My poem.)

I slide down to sit on the cold bathroom floor,
My back against the abruptly slammed door.
This has become my regular haunt.
Always weeping, I come.
I failed again, I say to myself,
And clench my fists so tight
My nails leave red crescent moons on my palms.

This time, like all the others,
It was my quick tongue
And rapid-fire temper
(that quickly goes and leaves remorse)
That brought me to this dark room
Alone, with teary mascara-stained cheeks.

I am so tired.
My eyes are heavy, so heavy
With the weight of sleep
And yet unspilled tears,
On the brink of flooding over.
I am tired
Because this same thing happened last night
And I am tired
Because I see the futility of fixing this myself.

So I close my eyes,
Raise my hands
And start to sing
That soft lullaby
We know so well-

Jesus loves me
This I know
Because the Bible tells me so...

He loves me
Because I trust Him.
He loves me
Because I obey Him.
He loves me
Because He made me
And He knew my name
Even before my ancestors were born
And knew how many tears
Would ever drop from my eyes.

I love Him
Because He first loved me.
I love Him
Because without His love and comfort in my life,
What else is there to live for?

I can't spend the rest of my life
On the cold bathroom floor,
And I know I will continue to make mistakes.

But I also know,
As long as I continue to follow Him
Like a clumsy, little lamb,
Jesus loves me
This I know,
Because He tells me so...

Friday, June 23, 2006

A New "Reality"

Why do Christians in America have this twisted feeling of entitledness? Why do they feel that the Lord OWES them something, as if Him dying for them wasn't enough? Why do they rejoice and praise Him only when life seems to be "going their way?" I have encountered this attitude so many times in my life and have even felt it myself a few times and I am SICK of it. The Lord gave me salvation and I would be content if I suffered misery for the rest of my life, because I know that as long as I keep my hope and eyes pinned on Christ, I will spend eternity with Him.

One of my favorite books is called, "Tortured for Christ," by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand. Every Christian needs to read this book in order to gain a measure of perspective in our cushioned, protected, and easy lives here in the States. Rev. Wurmbrand was in prison (I think in Hungary) for 15 years. Through that time, he and many fellow Christians were tortured for Christ and lost their families, homes and some even lost their lives for the sake of Christ. Yet, after his release from the prison, and while touring the world to raise public knowledge of the imprisoned Christians, he said he had not encountered any Christians happier than the ones yet in prison. They counted all lost for Christ and felt honored that He counted them worthy to suffer for His name. I need this attitude. We all do.

It is no wonder that Christians in America are on the brink of losing their religious freedom ( since they are trying to re-write reality. They think that Christianity is about easy living and numerous blessings. Oh, how wrong they are! Heaven is when we can live easily and have never-ending blessings. Christian life is supposed to be a struggle, but through it all, we have the peace that passes understanding in our souls no matter how un-peaceful our physical life may be.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Looking For the Rainbow

This girl is five-years old. A National Geographic photographer took this of her while she was watching for rainbows. She stayed on the roof of that car for a half hour, just watching, patient in the knowledge that if she just waited long enough, she WOULD see a rainbow. She saw three.

Several years ago, my attitude about what lay down the road was one of being apprehensive, not so much one of excitement. I was especially nervous if I saw a storm in the near future. This little girl is watching a storm, perhaps getting closer and closer, and yet, her first thoughts about it are to watch for a rainbow that WILL appear.

I want to look for the rainbows in life's storms. I want to be like a racehorse at the starting gate about the future. God has amazing things planned for me, not only in the future, but in the present!

Life is an incredible journey. If you keep looking at the adventures you had in the past and longing for them, you will miss the incredible adventures happening RIGHT NOW!!Whenever it seems like there is a storm in your life, remember that the sun is always shining behind a cloud, and always, always look for the rainbow...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Quotes I Love

"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."

"Love flies, runs, and rejoices; it is free and nothing can hold it back. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
-Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

"We are not doubting that God will do best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
-C.S. Lewis

"The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for."
-Dan Millman

"Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall."
-1 Corinthians 10: 12

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
-1 John 4:18

"In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Life Update

My blog has been a lot of essays lately, which is good since I am writing a lot of them. But I feel it is time to let you, whoever "you" are, know how life is going.

Life is going GREAT!! God has been giving me so much peace and joy. The Bible says that if we make the right choice to follow Him, then we will get everlasting joy, and it was RIGHT! I am not living in the past anymore, nor in the future, I am not looking even into the next hour, I am just looking at my Father and trusting Him to take me wherever it is best for me to go.

School is fine. I have my first mid-term in Math 111 on Friday and I am sort of worried because my math teacher says that usually the first exam is an eye-opener and most of the students do really poorly on it, so we should STUDY, STUDY, STUDY! So that is what I will be doing till then. Geography is "okay." My teacher is not the greatest but I have had the pleasure of having three of my four teachers so far be great so it is time to have a bad one. I like reading about all the different parts of the world though. My only dilemma is it makes me want to travel SO bad! :)

Work is going well too. I am working for my uncle at his airplane restoration business in OR City, on Mondays and Wednesdays and I LOVE IT. But today, we brought his retired, 80-foot fishing boat up (or down) the Columbia River to its new home in Camas, WA. That was a blast. I love getting to spend so much time my best friend, also my cousin, and the rest of them. Plus, it is nice to get out of the city...

Well, I have a stack of homework with my name on it... Keep praying for me, I need it. But God is faithful to strengthen us as long as we keep our eyes fixed on Him.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Something to think about...

Face it- I am a hopeless romantic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that though, but sometimes it is annoying, to myself. I just finished that Indian movie, “Dil to Pagal Hai.” It made me so, I don’t know, excited and romantic as well as expectant. I can’t wait to be in love. I can’t wait till I feel this way:

“When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. When he laughs, I feel like dancing. When he loves me, my eyes fill with tears. He has made me realize that he is made for me, and I for him.”

But for now, until God sees fit to give me that, I will work on my relationship with the Lord and with my family. I need to feel that way about the Lord and develop a more personal relationship with Him. I want to, too. He has done so much for me; He is deserving of everything I could give Him, He is deserving of all of me.

All my life, people have been telling me they loved me. My parents told me. My family told me. Friends told me. Guys told me. But, it doesn’t matter what they tell me. What matters is what they do. My dad left us, my mom and all six of us kids. My big brother left us too. My friends have rejected me for the truth that God has given me to give them. Most of those guys wanted me to hold back a crucial, if not the most crucial, part of me, my faith in God, in order to have a relationship with them. If these people truly loved me, their actions would have been in my best interest. But they weren’t. All their actions were in their best interest. They did what felt good.

Other people have told me they loved me, and truly shown it. My mom gave up her marriage so that we children would be safe from an immature father, who was emotionally abusive. My best friend Becki will tell me the truth, that I need to hear, instead of holding back out of fear of my getting offended. Most of all, God has told me He loves me and has proven it in every action He has ever taken towards me, every single one.

So love is not what you say, it is what you do. I want to prove my love for God with my actions. I want to prove my love for my family with the way I relate to them. And when I meet the man I am going to marry, I want to prove my love to him through what I do, not only through what I say.

Friday, April 21, 2006

A Little Bit of Me

As I look back over this past decade, I wish I could rewind time, and do it all over again. I would change so much, and yet, I know this doesn’t make sense, I would change so little. I would have wanted to meet all the people I have met, been in almost all the “guy-girl” relationships I have, and experienced almost everything I have.

I remember being 8. I had a short pixie cut, wore dresses only when forced, and loved running around with the boys. I prided myself on not crying when I got hurt. I thought blood was cool and scars were the mark of an adventurer, of someone who took the road less traveled. I was more of a monkey than a little girl. I loved trees and the forest. I loved dirt and everything about dirt, especially making mud pies and mud balls. I loved taking risks, like chasing horses (which got my cheekbone shattered into dozens of pieces). I loved bugs, especially worms. I was a little tomboy. What happened to my 8-year old self???

I remember being 15. When I was 15, I was mostly the “pretty” girl, who screamed if she saw a spider, and liked wearing lip gloss and dressing up. I always wanted to be older. Sometimes my 8-year old self slipped out and I would wrestle with my sister and guy cousins, and get dirty. But, I overly cared about what other people thought, and that showed in my inhibitions.

Now I am 18, and I am finding a new self. I care less about what other people think and I like bugs again, except spiders but I never scream, unless one is actually on me. I care about improving myself spiritually and mentally. My biggest desire is no longer to find the “perfect” man but to make God happy with me, as He is as I love and obey Him.They say hindsight is 20/20, and I see the truth in this. If I could do it again, I would truly love more, forgive more, give more of myself to others, get away from the mirror and go outside more.

I have been listening to a song called, “It’s Getting Better All the Time.” I just got through one of the best and worst school terms in my entire life. It is bizarre to think that any experience can be both the best and the worst but last term was just that. If I could live it over, I would have thought more about the other person and less about my own feelings, I would have shared God’s love with everyone I met, and I would have been grateful for every day and every experience and learned from them, instead of doing the same thing over and over and making the same mistakes. Why dwell in the past? Because through learning lessons from our past, we improve our future. (Besides, I am not dwelling on the past.)

In the next decade, I want to touch everyone around me with the love of Christ. I don’t want to live based on feelings. I want to live in truth, in love, in peace, and I want to live for everyone but myself. Doesn’t that sound funny? The whole message of the world is to make yourself happy; take care of number one, etc., etc. But that is SELF-love. I want to live full of love for others, for GOD!!

A line in that song is, “God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb; it’s getting better all the time.” It is, slowly but surely. I look impatiently to the future. When I am 28, what will I be doing? Where will I be? What kind of woman will this little girl have become? Will I be proud of myself and look back on the decade, that is now in front of me, and say, “Wow! God made that decade an amazingly beautiful journey! I wouldn’t change a thing!” Will I be married? What kind of man will he be? Wouldn’t it be funny if I know that man now, and later down the line, I marry him? Who knows??? Only God, and He isn’t telling. All He is going to say now is, “I have the most perfect, happy, wonderful, marvelous life planned out for you. EVERY good desire of your heart WILL be fulfilled. But now, as you face out into the unknown, all I ask of you is that you trust me. Because this life in front of you is not a path strewn with roses. But every step you take, towards Me, towards life everlasting, I will be beside you. I will always hold your hand. And if the road gets especially rocky, you can climb into My arms, and I will carry you. Just trust me now. Just trust.”

Sunday, April 16, 2006

What a fantastic, amazing day!

Today, (at least this is the day historians accord to it) two thousand years ago, MY Lord died for ME, (and for you) and rose again-FOR US!! He paved the way for us to find true, everlasting joy and peace in Him. I am forever grateful for that. Any sacrifice I can make for Him would be insignificant for the sacrifice He made for me. Happy Easter! HE IS RISEN!

"Man of Sorrows! what a name
For the Son of God, Who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
“Full atonement!” can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;
“It is finished!” was His cry;
Now in Heav’n exalted high.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

When He comes, our glorious King,
All His ransomed home to bring,
Then anew His song we’ll sing:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"

"Low in the grave He lay, Jesus my Savior,
Waiting the coming day, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,
With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,
He arose a Victor from the dark domain,
And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Vainly they watch His bed, Jesus my Savior;
Vainly they seal the dead, Jesus my Lord!

Death cannot keep its Prey, Jesus my Savior;
He tore the bars away, Jesus my Lord!


Friday, April 14, 2006

I don't have anything to say...

I really don't. My last couple days have been pretty good because God is helping me to stay focused on Him. Today I go to my dad's for the weekend and that should be interesting, as always. So pray for me....

But first, I have to get to school early to try to get my math homework done, then an hour-long class (today is our short day, on Tues. and Thurs. it is a two-hour class,) and then, then the weekend!!!

Monday, April 10, 2006

What is my reality?

I don't feel like a slacker anymore, because I am working for my uncle again, out in OR City. I basically do a lot of repetitive stuff, like stapling airplane ribs. So I have a lot of time to think, once I have my groove down. I guess the biggest thing I have been struggling with this past week has been staying in reality about everything- about the trials in my life (which are few) and the blessings (which are many.)

Reality for me is whatever God wants it to be. What is reality for, say, the people I worked with at the pool, isn't necesarily reality for me. I mean, it didn't make sense to any of them, really, when I quit my job at a moment's notice. It doesn't make sense to people when I tell them, bluntly, that I can't really be in contact with them anymore. It doesn't make sense that I would purposely break my cell phone, so it doesn't distract me from my reality. I think when we start demanding reasons from God, that is when we have left the true Christian path of blind faith. God can see the big picture, therefore, hardly anything He does makes "sense" to us humans.

What is the big picture? We use that term a lot but what do we mean by it? I suppose the big picture is all the puzzle pieces that our human minds can't comprehend all at once, formed to make a puzzle. That didn't help did it? That's because you can't fully understand exactly what I am getting at without being in my head. THAT is the "big picture". We can't fully understand God's motives and reasons for all the seemingly bizarre things He asks us to do without being God, and we are never going to be that. So, we have to live in blind faith.

(I don't know if that helped you at all. I guess it doesn't have to, entirely, because I am writing this as much for me as I am for you.)

Another thing for you to contemplate: "No man is a fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." (Jim Elliot) I couldn't keep my job forever. I can't keep a friendship for the rest of my life. I can't keep anything that is physical. It would be foolish of me to try. All things that are "ours" are ours from the Lord. But, God is sometimes an "indian giver." He loans us things to take care of but not always forever. We can't get mad at Him when He takes back what is rightfully His!! The only way to prevent heartbreak when God takes things away from us (always in our best interest, mind you!) is to not cling to them. It really is that simple. So my new plan of attack is this: whenever I make a new friend, or grow closer to old ones, I do it with open hands, (and same with anything physical.) In the past, I held onto things that were dear to me with white-knuckled fists; therefore, it hurt when God ripped them away from me. Now, I say, "Thank You, Lord, for this blessing. I only desire what You want for me, Lord, so if this isn't Your will, I will obey and be content in the knowledge that You know best." When we do this, we "gain what we cannot lose:" eternal life. This is God's promise to us.

Friday, April 07, 2006

A Different Sort of Love

Looking back over the past 5 years, I remember quite a few guys who "liked" me. Interestingly, they all liked the exact same things about me,

  1. My physical appearance: this includes my "beauty," my athleticism, etc.
  2. My humor/wit
  3. My love/ability to have a very good time at whatever I do

I have also "liked" quite a few guys. I liked unique things about each of them but a similar vein is apparent; I liked,

  1. Their outward appearance (esp. their eyes and smile, their height/stength (but not to a huge extent.))
  2. Their ability to make me laugh (i.e. humor)
  3. Certain things about their nature (i.e. cavalier towards women, gentle, smart, perceptive (to feelings, needs, etc.), masculinity etc.)
  4. Attraction to the same things, hobbies, etc. as me

But the more time I spend thinking about these things, the more I realize that I want to be liked, and to like, for who I am spiritually, not who I am physically.

My physical appearance is like a quickly fading flower. As I look at my grandmother, I can see that anyone looking at her from a purely physical perspective would see an old woman, worn down and tired. When I look at all the old photographs we have of her, I see an amazingly beautiful woman, the sort that makes you take a second look at her when she is walking down the street. Today, she is nothing like that. But when I look at her, I still see a radiating beauty in her face. She shines with Christ's love from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep. She is in great physical pain sometimes, but she never, never complains and goes out of her way to lighten our days and lift us up.Everyone who meets her, loves her for this, not for her outward appearance.

At school, I have been making myself go towards the people who are not "beautiful" and witty, because often, I have discovered, the least attractive people have the best, most constructive things to say.

When I sit in my math class, three incredibly attractive girls and a handsome boy sit at the table to the right of mine. I am naturally drawn to them. But as I listen to their conversations they never say anything of value, and all they talk about is boyfriends, manicures, and movies. This is because what they truly care about it is what they look like. I am not saying there is anything wrong with taking care of your outward appearance, but I am saying that when your appearance is who you are, therein lies the problem.

So my problem is that all the guys who have liked me, have liked me for fairly physical reasons. Even though liking me for my humor/wit is slightly better than for my face, my mind could be taken from me by a stroke or a crippling fall. Anything that is physical is fleeting.

However, I don't think it is the fault of those guys because they are liking me because of what were the biggest features about me. I mean to say, what have I been cultivating for the past few years? Have I been studying the big issues in this world? Or have I most cared about what is the biggest fashion faux-paus? To say I haven't cared about this big issues at all, is a little extreme. But I haven't cared to the extent that I cared about things that are "here today and gone tomorrow."

I have been thinking about this all morning and have to come to these conclusions:

  1. It would give me great joy if the next time a guy told me he liked me, he did not mention anything about my appearance. But if he instead said, "Liberty, what I love you about is your passion for the Lord. I love that you ignite the people around you with a love for the Lord. I love that I can sit and talk with you for hours about big ideas and about Christian apologetics and politics. I love you because Christ is in you."
  2. It would also give me great joy if I could reach the point where when I became attracted to a guy, it would be because he inspired and challenged me to grow more in Christ and become closer to Him. The Bible gives the man a position of authority over us women and I have no problem with that. I just need to get to the place where the kind of man I am attracted to is just that kind of man, not one who is at a less or equal place of maturity as me (like I have been doing for the past few years.)

But for now, I am just working on the basics: I am building up my ability to live in complete blind faith in Christ, grow in courage about witnessing at school, and learning to not care what other peoples' opinion of me is-only what their opinion of God is.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

From This Moment On...

For three hours straight, I have been sobbing, heartbroken that I could have refused God such a small sacrifice as a friendship. Rev. Richard Wurmbrand’s Tortured for Christ recounts his story of persecution in communist Romania during the 40’s and 50’s. “A man really believes, not what he recites in his creed, but only the things he is ready to die for.” True Christianity is being willing to die for Christ, in ANY way that is asked.

These true stories made me cry and have deeply convinced me, in every way, shape and form, that Christ is the only one who can give me strength to get through my life, and only He is worth dying for.

Wurmbrand relates that the people behind the Iron Curtain were desperate for Christianity. Thousands who only heard a few verses or read a single tract about Christ were so convinced, that they were willing to be thrown into prison for their belief. “The prisons were full, and in Romania, as in all Communist countries, to be in prison means to be tortured.” These Christians, some of whom had only ever heard Christ’s name, were willing to be tortured for His sake.

“A pastor, by the name of Florescu, was tortured with red-hot iron pokers and with knives. He was beaten very badly. Then starving rats were driven into his cell through a large pipe. He could not sleep because he had to defend himself all the time. If he rested a moment, the rats would attack him.
He was forced to stand for two weeks, day and night. The Communists wished to compel him to betray his brethren, but he resisted steadfastly. Eventually, they brought his fourteen-year-old son to the prison and began to whip the boy in front of his father, saying they would continue to beat him until the pastor said what they wished him to say. The poor man was half mad. He bore it as long as he could, then he cried to his son, “Alexander, I must say what they want! I can’t bear your beating anymore!” The son answered, “Father, don’t do me the injustice of having a traitor as a parent. Withstand! If they kill me, I will die with the words, ‘Jesus and my fatherland.’” The Communists, enraged, fell upon the child and beat him to death. He died praising God.” (Tortured for Christ, pg. 34)

How great a faith this young man had!! He was four years younger than me and he willingly, joyfully sacrificed his life for the sake of Christ!! Before I started reading this book, I felt insufficient to the task in front of me. But now, all I feel is complete and total shame. The farce of what I had been telling myself is revealed. Those Christians and those who are giving their lives in the same ways today were given the strength to continue, even to the point of death. What a great sin it would be, to give up because I felt insufficient or weak.

Since the relationship God is demanding I give up is with a guy, it is only fitting I include this story. I cried for a long time over this. I pray, oh, how fervently I pray, that God will give me a similar faith and a passion for Him.

“One of our workers in the Underground Church was a young girl. The Communist police discovered that she secretly spread gospels and taught children about Christ. They decided to arrest her. But to make the arrest as agonizing and painful as they could, they decided to delay her arrest a few weeks, until the day she was to be married. On her wedding day, the girl was dressed as a bride-the most wonderful, joyous day in a girl’s life! Suddenly the door burst open and the secret police rushed in.
When the bride saw the secret police, she held out her arms toward them to be handcuffed. They roughly put the manacles on her wrists. She looked toward her beloved, kissed the chains, and said, ‘I thank my heavenly Bridegroom for this jewel He has presented me on my marriage day. I thank Him that I am worthy to suffer for Him.’ She was dragged off, with weeping Christians and a weeping bridegroom left behind. They knew what happens to young Christian girls in the hands of Communist guards. Her bridegroom faithfully waited for her. After five years, she was released-a destroyed, broken woman, looking thirty years older. She said it was the least she could do for her Christ.” (Tortured for Christ, pg. 37, 38)

Am I willing to suffer like this? I know that I could never face such great physical torment, with joy, without the Lord’s mercy and grace. But love for Christ, true Christianity, must be the kind that causes us to say, “If He asked it of me, I WOULD say ‘yes,’ and leave the rest of it up to Him.” I have come to realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no point in calling myself a Christian if I do not have this attitude. In fact, it would be like spitting in the face of all the Christians who every single day of their lives get up and face this kind of a life, for Christ.

If I call themself a Christian but do not act as Christ did, and obey everything Christ says, I am like a “white-washed tomb.” Yes, even though I am deeply ashamed to admit it, I was living like that.

Christ came and died, an innocent lamb, slaughtered to atone for my sins. He asks that, in return for His sacrifice, I deny myself, take up my cross (every single day) and follow Him. To do short of that, is NOT Christianity.

This is my public apology to Christ for not obeying His commands and calling myself a Christian, when inside I was keeping something for myself instead of being 100% surrended to Christ. This is also my public proclamation that from this moment on, with everything that is in me, I will serve the Lord. But like Rev. Wurmbrand said, “A man really believes, not what he recites in his creed, but only the things he is ready to die for.” It doesn’t matter what I say, here in this blog or anywhere else, what matters is what I do.

For I am judged by my actions and there are only two places to spend eternity: heaven or hell. I want to go to heaven.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Juste signant, et hors d'encore...

I only know two people (maybe three) who can read that title, anybody else can go to an online translator like I did (not like you care THAT much), hahaha! But French is so beautiful, so I couldn't resist.

Spring term start tomorrow. Je ne attends pas avec intérêt lui beaucoup. Haha! For you un-French people, I am complaining. :) The other reason I am not looking forward to spring term is that it is math 111 and my chances of passing are slim- HOLD ON!! I need to be positive. Think happy thoughts, Liberty, happy thoughts!

I am rearranging my sister's and my bedroom. It looks so good BUT when I was shaking out the rugs, a HUGE spider jumped on me. Yes, I screamed but very delicately. (Are you laughing? Cause I sure am.) Je déteste des araignées!!! Oh, come on, even I can tell what I just said, I said I hate spiders. Simple deduction, my dear Watson! (No, I have NOT been eating sugar all morning. Haha!)

Anyway, hopefully the spider is gone now. So I am going back to work.

(Vous devriez voir comment malpropre ma pièce est en ce moment.)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I am probably the most random person you'll meet...

Hahaha!! I hope that isn't a bad thing. My randomness doesn't come out when I need to be serious so no worries there.

Anyway, on a complete impulse, I cut my hair-SHORT, and I have BANGS!! I haven't had bangs for years (probably 2. Haha!) Also, on impulse, I colored my hair RED!! I know, I know, I just got it highlighted more than a month ago, but my sister told me with my new haircut I looked like a 50-year old, politician's wife. Can't have that! So I was going to go back to my natural brown but changed my mind and went red on the spur of the moment. I like it! It is really red though...

Everything is okay with me, I think. I still am struggling (sometimes) with the sacrifices I made but I just remind myself to put them in perspective. The other thing that really helps is reminding myself, when I am being tempted/having a rough time, that Satan is scared that I am going to do something GREAT for God. That is why he is fighting so hard to keep me from complete obedience to God. My mom told me this when I came home from my abortion presentation a week ago. (I told you all about it in the post below this one.) God has given me a fire and a passion that attracts people and a talent for public speaking. I know that God is going to do great things through me, as long as I stay in obedience and faith (especially right now, when everything seems so difficult.)

I have also decided that people, even though God often uses them as tools, can't be completely relied on. Only God is always there for me, always knows what I am going through, and can always, always help me, when I come to Him. I am very grateful for my "support" group (my family) but they can't do for me what God can and promises to do. So, I am learning to rely on people less, and on God, more.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I said, "Yes, with all that is in me, yes, Lord, yes!!"

Two days ago, Jesus asked me how much I love Him. He asked if I loved Him more than my job. He asked if I loved Him more than a friendship that I treasured deeply. He asked if I loved Him enough to take up my little cross and follow Him. It hurt, but I said "YES!!!" and I keep saying yes whenever Satan tries to make me doubt it. I have to because I wouldn't be safe if I didn't. The Bible says that if we deny Christ, He also will deny us. Well, for me, denying Christ would be keeping any little thing for myself when Christ asked for it. So I had to deny myself so that Christ would not deny me. How scary it would be if Christ denied me!! I've been reading in Revelations and James and hell is not at all an appetizing place to spend eternity.

But giving up stuff that seems good isn't to bad, once you just turn your back to them and pin your eyes on Christ. And you wouldn't believe how much joy and zeal the Lord has given me in just two days. My mom and grandma keep commenting on how changed I am. Well, give thanks to the Lord, who has done a mighty work in me.

The Lord has taught me these things:

1) ANYTHING, no matter how innocent or good it seems, that is a distraction from complete faith, trust and obedience in the Lord has to be gotten rid of. The Bible says, "If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off." That is pretty strong language about a part of your body!! How much more that would apply if it were something like a friendship or a job! God promises to give us every good thing, in His timing. We just have to wait for it. And believe it or not-we don't even have to wait that long to see the fruits of good choices, like with me. I went out on faith, quit my job and ended a friendship and already I have more deep, bubbling-over joy and peace than I have had in.....maybe forever!!

2) Discontentment is disbelief that God knows what is best for us. I had to be SO strict with myself yesterday. The day before yesterday, I spent mostly in tears because I felt like I was making SUCH a big sacrifice. But yesterday, during family devotions, I realized that if I continue to mope and groan about sacrificing for God, I am basically saying, "I don't believe You, Lord. You don't know what You're doing. I g...u...e...s...s I'll go along with You, but I think You're wrong and I'm not happy about it." HOW TERRIBLE that a puny little human would do that to the Creator of the UNIVERSE!!! It is so frightening how out of perspective we humans get, and then (!!!) defend our position!! So ridiculous...

3) I, and the rest of humanity, am attracted to things that stroke my ego, that make me feel good from a physical standpoint. But this isn't Christian. My sister Harmony, ( and I were talking about this and she came up with a very analogy. She said that friendships shouldn't be two people, holding mirrors and showing each other their own reflections but friendships should be two people holding mirrors showing God's reflection to each other!!

Hey, guess what?!! All my interests and desires have changed in two days too!! I now longer have any desire for music other than hymns and classical music (this isn't an issue for everybody, but I have had a bad habit of turning on loud, rocky music and zoning out everything, but worst, the Holy Spirit.) Also, I studied for 6 hours today!! I usually don't like studying, especially when I don't have to, but I just couldn't stop today! I was reading a book called, "The Cost of 'Choice'." It's about the harmful effects of abortion on women. It was really challenging mentally because it is a collection of essays, written by professional women (professors, lawyers, doctors, etc.) so it is very scientific and has tons of big words. I just loved it.

It is so amazing to me, let alone my family, how quickly the Lord has changed me. It is unbelievable and I mean that!! But with the Lord, "EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Sacrificial Life

Today God is asking me to give up things that are very dear to me. Ordinarily, I would be really, really upset about losing these things. But I want-with all my heart- to be where the Lord is and in order to do that, I have to obey Him, 100%.

The Bible says that "every good and perfect thing comes from the Father of light, in whom there is no dark or shifting shadow." That verse is what makes me happy today, instead of sad. I know that if these things were good for me, God would give them to me. But they must not be, therefore God is helping me to have a heart of thanksgiving instead of mourning about losing them.

Christianity is about sacrifice when you look at it with superficial eyes. But the more time you spend thinking about it, the more you realize that everything God asks us to give up now isn't lasting and He is only replacing it with far better things. Going with our natural desires is like choosing a plastic ring from the dime store instead of waiting for a little while for a $1 million ring from Tiffany's!!

So, today, I go forth with an attitude of gratitude that God sees fit to help me to grow- even if the growth hurts a little and maybe even a lot while it is happening.

Oh, yes!! An update on my last two finals....

I was more nervous about my writing final which was a two-minute presentation than my American Government presentation on abortion that was 10-15 minutes long. I think that is because I feel so passionately about saving unborn babies that I was excited for the opportunity. In writing, I was nervous because it was such a "superficial" topic, one that didn't really have lasting value.

Both presentations went well, but the abortion presentation went much, much better! I was able to think quickly on my feet and answer all the questions clearly and eloquently (except for one that I was a little confusing about.) Thank You, Lord!! One of the girls who did a pro-life presentation with me did hers on partial-birth abortions and she brought some extremely powerful drawn diagrams that depicted a p-b abortion being done. We passed those around the room, and it was interesting to watch the college students' faces turn and grimace when they saw the gruesome diagrams. I pray we changed some peoples' minds about abortion or at least made them think differently about it.

Monday, March 20, 2006

One down, two more to go!!

I just finished my math final and with the exception of one problem, I am pretty confident about how it went. Thank You, Lord!!!

I think it probably helped that I went to the pool and got a double shot caffiene, triple shot syrup large coffee. Hahahaha!! I am still feeling the effects of that.

I am pretty nervous about my other two finals. I have to write an essay for American Government and give a ten-minute presentation on abortion on Wednesday morning. I'm not too worried about the writing final because we are only giving a two-minute speech. The only thing I am concerned about it what to use as a visual aid. We are supposed to have a transparency for the projector but what on earth am I supposed to put on it? Well, I'll have to think of something brilliant before 8:30 tomorrow morning.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

An Old-ish Poem by Me

Simple minds
And weak bodies
Can be the wisest and
The strongest.
Did you know this?

Do you want to be the least?
Do you know that the lowest depths
Are the greatest heights?
Did you know that the feeblest man
Is the sturdiest of all?

How can one explain
The miracle of faith?
How can one put in plain words
The metamorphosis
Of a cowardly mind
To the heart of a lion?
How can one explain the power
Of the Lord?

I cannot.
One cannot tell the majesty
Of the Lord that we serve,
Whose folly is wiser
Than all of man’s wisdom,
And whose weakness is mightier
Than all of man’s strength.

This is the God I serve.
I am weak, but He is strong.
He says that the last shall be first,
The least shall be greatest,
And the humblest will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

O, Lord!
Help me be the least.
Help me let go of my façade of strength,
For the vastness and reality of Yours.

O, Lord!
Help me be last.
Help me lay down the pride and the will that
Keeps trying to get ahead but only knocks me down,
For the glory that is You.

O, Lord!
Help me be humble.
Help me accept the missteps and mistakes that come from
Being alive on this earth, instead of defending my honor,
For the perfection of faith in you.

O, Lord!
Help me deserve the kingdom of heaven.

1-16-06, age 18

Memories of Chinese Checkers

Bright balls roll
Around a cardboard star,
Sliced in wedges of blue, green, purple, red, yellow.

My sister's eyes twinkle as she jumps
Her glassy, banana-yellow sphere over
My sea-blue marble,
Like a frog over a lilypad.

I laugh and wave my arms madly
In the ectasy of the moment.
I ever so slightly touch the edge of the box
And the marbles fall out
Of their shallow valleys
And roll to new homes
Inside the star.

My sister looks at me,
Her blue eyes narrow.
I laugh,
Her only power is to not play
And she is too caught up in the game
To wield it.

She is many rows ahead of me
And I shriek when she gets her shiniest
Marble into the highest valley
And wins the game the Chinese play
Instead of playing checkers.


This is just a funny poem. I didn't spend too much time on it. But I decided that I need to force myself to write creatively at least once a day. This is today's effort.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

YAY!! Finals week begins tomorrow!

I am so excited and nervous at the same time.

Oh, I wrote a new poem today. It doesn't have a title yet though. But I really like how it is turning out....I'll put it up hear when I have time and when it is finished.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

I feel sick... my stomach is in knots. Probably partly cause I am tired out of my tree (what a funny expression!) and I only had a few grapes and a granola bar for breakfast.

Please pray for me. Finals are next week, though, so school is nearly over. Today is my last Math 95 class- WAHOO!!

Well, I need to go to class now.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I love this song!!!

When I said that I would follow
It was with an honest heart
But I didn’t fully understand the cost
’cause there are saints throughout the ages
And there are those today
Who show us what it really means to carry the cross
That only fuels my devotion
No matter what comes I will say

(chorus)Yes, I believe
I believe with all that is in me
Yes, I believe

Though the world rises up against me I will be faithful
To the choice I have made
I am determined
I will not be ashamed
To live so the whole world can see
That yes, I believe
There will never be a reason
To lose this confidence
For I have found where my assurance lies
It is not in my own power
But in who my savior is
And the truth of this conviction
Makes me shout to the sky

(repeat chorus)Yes, I believe he is risen
Yes, I believe we are forgiven
Yes, I believe and one day we’ll see him
And together we’ll say(repeat chorus)


YES, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. No mater what comes, I believe!! If it doesn't make any sense, I choose to believe. Because God is so much bigger than me and He has a plan that is infinitely better than anything I could plan for myself. (I just need to remember this cause so often I forget...)

Sometime my brain gets in the way....

I can count the hours of sleep I got last night on one hand. It is all the fault of my overactive mind. It just wouldn't shut off!!!!

Today, I have so much besides school to think about. I don't really think this is a good thing since finals are next week- YAY!!!!

(Speaking of finals, mine shouldn't be too bad. My writing final is just a writing assignment that I have been working on for two weeks (due Thursday) and a "professional academic presentation" (whatever that means.) My American Government final is supposed to be crazy long and I have to give a ten minute presentation on abortion, too. My math final is the one I am worried about...)

So I wish I had a turn off switch on the back of my head sometimes. Wouldn't that be so nice?? Then I could just hit the sack, turn my brain off (that sounds pretty wierd now) and sleep. Ooooo, sleep sounds REALLY good now!!!



Monday, March 13, 2006

Okay-all is well.

My dog is okay. (Thank You, Lord!!) Turns out she just has a fat deposit-called a lympoma or something like that.

Life is so short.

You know that bumper sticker that says, "Life is short. Pray hard."? Well, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. But I think it is incomplete to say, "Pray hard." The Christian walk isn't only about praying. Yes, that is a tremendous part of it but it isn't all of it.

Christianity is about trusting that God will provide the impossible. Christianity is about blind faith that God will take care of everything when humans can't do anything. Christianity is about obedience even when the command seems nonsensical. Christianity is complete and willing slavery to Someone we can't even see. None of this makes sense to the world, It doesn't makes sense that anyone could be so passionately devoted to a unseen God that they would willingly be matyred for His sake.

This goes back to my previous post. This is true love. Christianity requires true love, love that means we are willing to die for Christ.

Not all Christians have to physically die. But all Christians have to die to specific things all day long. That is what Christianity is. We have to be willing to give up our desires in order to glorify God. This is painful and the last thing on earth we want to do sometimes but that is love. What is best for God, for His will to be done, for Him to be glorified-not what is best for me?

Besides, it doesn't make any sense for us to go with our human desires in the long run because the human body "is a flower quickly fading." As I look at my grandmother, in her wrinkled, swollen body, I recognize this. I may be strong and beautiful now but how long will that last? A few decades? My sister put a sign on our bathroom wall, right next to the mirror. It says that the human body is designed to wear out. Why worship something that is marked for the trash can??? It doesn't make sense.

So, the only sense I can make right now is that I have to love Christ with all my being, all my heart, all my mind. Our souls are eternal and we all get to decide where we spend eternity-heaven, with everlasting joy, or hell, with everlasting pain?

Seems like an easy decision to me when you put it that way.....

:( *tears

I just found a walnut-sized tumor on my beloved dog, Sheera. I'm not kidding about the beloved part. I am extremely attached to her. I knew that she would probably have to get put down when her hips made her unable to walk (she has square-in-circle hip joints, so they won't last her too long,) but I never expected it this soon. I'm not crying yet cause maybe everything is okay and it's not malignant but it totally put a wet blanket on everything.

Why is Sheera so special to me? She just is. Also, she will sing, like a wolf, to me for a long time and she won't sing for anyone else in the house. (I am teaching her bass and soprano but she doesn't get it yet.) It's fitting cause her name is Hebrew for song. She loves me more than anyone else in the family, except for maybe Mom because Mom is usually the one who feeds her. I know she is just a dog but she is very special. I don't think I have to explain this cause if you have a dog, you'll know exactly what I am talking about.... :(

I'll tell you what's up as soon as we know more. I'm going to take her to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully.
"Love is not love, if it alters when alteration it finds."

I put this quote on my notebook for school. I like it so much but I am not sure why... The Biblical meaning of love is being willing to lay down your life for someone else. How often do we really feel this sort of love? Not mere physical attraction to the opposite sex but true, heartfelt love??? Of course, for me at least, my family comes under this sort of love for me, but I don't always act like that. Hmmm. Today, my goal is to show love.... we'll see how much better the day goes because of it too.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

(No Title. Haha!)

I went to bed at 10:30 last night and got up at 10:30 today. 12 hours of sleep!!! I haven't gotten that much in a long time. I needed it so bad though.

My last post was kind of disbalanced. I should have talked about how God is the ultimate comfort and how Christians need to grow to the point that when they have problems, anxiety, etc., they need to run to Christ for comfort. I have found this to be true so often. People can only do so much, but God is infinitely powerful and loving to those who love Him and trust Him.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

I shouldn't be sad....

I got to go snowboarding today with two of my best friends. I barely fell at all and that was only when I was showing off for the guys-every single time I showed off, I fell. It was terrible-terribly funny!! Pride goes before a fall after all.

I shouldn't be sad at all right now but I am because I want to make one of my best friends happy cause I don't think he is happy right now, and I can't. I think he is putting on a brave face. Why is it innate in guys to put up brave faces ALL the time? Why do they ALWAYS have to be the strong ones? I wish that guys, this one in particular, knew that the girls/women who love them, are there for them and are just waiting for an opportunity to comfort them in return for all the many times that we cry on the guys' shoulders. Isn't that what women do best-comfort? Isn't that part of what God made us for? To comfort and encourage? Goodness knows that other women are always coming to us, in need of a shoulder to cry on or just to talk to but the guys never do.... I think they think they are fooling everyone into thinking they are okay when they put up a brave face, but the people who care for them deeply can see right through it so it isn't like they are protecting/fooling us. So that's why I am sad-cause I am helpless to do anything but let him know I'm there for him....

Well, I have a mid-term to get a jump on for American Government. Goodnight....Oh yeah, this is my 100th post!! Yay me!!! :)

Friday, March 10, 2006

Two new poems and NO MATH!!

I'm so happy-I don't have any math class today. So I'm sitting in the library, updating my blog, and hanging out with one of my best friends and all my good buddies from math class. I think that we don't have math since it is snowy and icy outside (or was) so my math teacher couldn't make it to class.

I wrote two new poems in the last month. Remember that poem I was telling you about, "Nature Mourns?" Well, it isn't finished but I'm gonna go ahead and put what I have up so you can read it, but not critically.

My other poem is called, "Gaza Strip." It's from the eyes of a young Palestinian. If you don't know about the Gaza Strip, it is a small parcel of land 3 miles long with the Mediterranean on one side. Many Palestinians are forced to live here by Israel, as Israel continues to try to take Palestine for itself.

Tears From Gaza Strip

Is this the world?
This bright light, dimmed by grief and greed?
Is this the world?
The laughter of children replaced by the staccato of machine guns?
Is this the world?
Fenced by the see and concrete hate,
No exploration, no adventures and beauty is locked out.
Is this the world?

No, this is my world.
This is the artwork of predjudiced hate and fear.
This is what the shadowed, veiled beast willed.
Claiming all for himself,
Fighting for dominance,
Fighting against God
From before time began,
To the bottomless pit and the brimstone lake.

Nature Mourns

Oh sad lackluster day.
Even the sky is crying,
Mourning the lovers lost,
The smiles sacrificed on the death bed of passion.

Rain runs down the foggy windows,
Like tears course her ashen cheeks.

Skeleton branches of a dying oak wave madly in the wind,
Like her empty arms clutch and hold nothing.


This poem isn't done, SO not done. But if I put it up here, then every time I open my page I will see it and remember to finish it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wow. This week has comment.

If I rated my week on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best ever, it would be a 2. I haven't been getting sleep at night but you know what!!!-I am SO done complaining about how hard my life is cause on the BIG scale of things- it is really, really easy!!!

I just got done playing volleyball for 1.5 hours and that was so much fun. It is a really good stress reliever. Swim lessons weren't too bad today-maybe cause I know we only have two left (yay!!!) and cause the water was warmer. And I found out I'm getting a good grade in math (a solid B) so I'm pretty happy 'bout that.

Now, I just have to get through Friday (American Government, then Math 95). Hopefully I'm going snowboarding on Saturday. (Did I mention that is has been SNOWING all day??? It isn't sticking but it's been snowing like crazy!!)

I have been reading in Romans (chapters 3, 4, and 5) the past couple days and they are SO good. I'll try to copy down some of the verses on here because they are so comforting and encouraging to me so they should help you.

Goodnight and sweet dreams......

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


I am doing better. It isn't cause of sleep though. I went to bed at like 11 p.m. last night but couldn't get to sleep for FOREVER and usually I am out like a light-just ask my sister. Then I had nightmares about a super good friend of mine that I had just been talking to and I woke up a bunch of times. My sister got up at 4 a.m. to use the rest room or something cause she woke me up. Now I am up again to finish writing my memo for my Am. Gov. class. I SO cannot wait for this term to be over. Then I don't have to lifeguard lap swim-at least hopefully not- and not have crazy homework EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I am taking one class next term- Math 111. But it shouldn't be too bad because that will be my only class to worry about the homework for.

Well, keep praying for me and know I am praying for you, friends. Keep the faith!!!!!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Right now, I really don't like who I am naturally...

Yeah that post was all happy and whatever this morning but tonight is tonight and tonight STINKS. I really do "hate" myself/personality right now. My sister is cool cause she can be friendly and serious and all that at the same time and keep a level-head on 99.9% of the time. Now me-I am extremely friendly naturally so I get into trouble when I am myself. If I am around a guy and am myself, they think I am flirting with them cause I am so friendly/cheerful. Well, I'm gonna have to go to extremes of being unfriendly or something cause I am getting myself into SO much drama. Guys don't seem to understand that I am NOT flirting with them when I am friendly, so, apparently, I need to be like "hello-goodbye," (I guess rude in my standards) or something cause this is SOOO not working anymore.

A little help here???? Anyone?

(I know I had terrible grammar today but I am really upset/stressed/mad at myself right now.)

Some Thoughts for Your Day....

My mom told me this old proverb this morning and it is helping me so much today, "Worry is like a rocking chair-it keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere." So I am bound and determined to worry as little as possible today.

I was standing and waiting for the bus this morning, listening my mix cd from a friend, and getting wet because my umbrella kept blowing in wierd directions. Then I looked across the street, over the houses, and up into the sky and this is what I saw: I saw brilliant blue, I saw birds and sunshine. And this is what I realized: the rain is always the hardest right before it stops. The rain has been pretty hard for the past few weeks so that must mean that it's probably almost about to stop.

I have joy, God-given joy and I am not going to give that up because of the rain clouds in life. Somewhere, behind the clouds, the sun is ALWAYS shining. Behind the trials, God is always breathing life and joy into my life. Thank you, Lord, for your indescribable gift; help me to never take it for granted.

Monday, March 06, 2006

SUCH a Monday!!

"Lost" my cell phone (I left it at home), had a stumper of a math mid-term, got complained to about another teacher by two swim lesson moms, and got signed up by someone at the pool to work four spring break shifts (which I'm NOT gonna do-yes, I'll tell my boss, but WHO would do that???)

Stupid Mondays.

Anyway, tomorrow is Tuesday which holds promise for being a good day except that I hate teaching so many swim lessons in the afternoon cause I get so cold that I hurt. My lips turn blue too. It's kind of funny cause whenever I look up in the stands, most of the moms smile sympathetically down at me cause it's pretty obvious how cold I get, cause I hug myself and rub my arms and legs and my teeth chatter. WHY do I get so cold? The girl who teaches with me is smaller than me and she doesn't get cold till the last lesson. Why is that?

Thursdays are usually my worst day ever. Maybe cause it is near the end of the week and I'm starting to get exhausted. But also cause this guy is at the pool and he is such a pervert/jerk. I totally don't mean this but I need a boyfriend just to beat this guy up and get him to leave me alone.

On the other hand, God has been really helping me to grow this past week and a half. I've been reading my Bible a whole lot more each day and today I read "The Vanishing Proofs of Evolution," during my lunch break. I'm so grateful for His grace and even more for His mercy to me. I know I don't deserve anything that He has given me. I just need to remember that when I start to get depressed or full of myself....we all do. Oh what a holy, mighty God we serve!!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I LOVE this picture. It is me, being free at the beach.

I really like this one. This is from my best friend's and my beach trip to celebrate my 18-ness. :)

Drama, drama, drama!!

Sheesh. Paint the dog's nails and everyone FREAKS out!! My goodness. Once anyone notices the chihuahua walking around with sharp, little nails that look like she stepped in blood, run for the hills. They all went ballistic. They should just be glad I didn't paint the big dog's nails considering they are three times larger-at least. Oh and my little sister didn't help things any cause she reminded everyone of the time I drew pretty blue designs on the back of her white rat. I mean, HEY, I'm improving their appearance. Chihuahuas and rats aren't beauty queens after all. Hahahaha! I think my little sis took the nail polish off the dog but just wait-when no one is looking, the Beauty Bandit WILL strike again!!!

Hahahaha! I really need to go study for my mid-term now.......

Happiness today!!!

YAY!! Today is a good, good day; in fact, this is a good, good weekend. I slept in, did my math homework (and understood it!), cleaned my room and danced around my room to some the best happy songs ever. I'm gonna mop the kitchen floor now and then finish "The Count of Monte Cristo," which ranks in my Top 10 favorite adventure movies. (Don't ask which is #1 cause I'd have to think about it for a long time.)

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Laughing cause there's no good reason to cry....

I'm doing SO much better. That's cause all this drama that has enveloped my week involved a guy who is SUCH a gentleman and he made everything better by being there for me and being my friend. It's sad that there can't be anything else but I know that this is best and that's the best decision I can make right now....don't ask for better than my 110% best.

All's well when God is at the helm of the ship, that's what my motto is. I think this would be TEN times harder if we weren't friends but we are and I don't think that either of us would want to risk losing something as good as our honest friendship.

I am writing a sad poem called, "Nature Mourns." Sometimes, when I am sad, I can write really good poetry (at least good for me.) Sometimes, when I am sad, the saddness is too strong for me to think creatively and it all has to wait behind the curtain for act two-which is now, when that creative sadness emerges to take center stage. When I finish my poem, I will put it on my blog so keep checking for it. But remember, my poetry almost always expresses my feelings stronger than they actually are or were. Sometimes, my poems hit the nail on the head. But I think that this poem will fall in the middle-keep that in mind.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Laughing to keep from crying...

I have had the worst past 24 hours. I don't really know how it all went downhill this fast but it did. If I stay in perspective-which I really really need to- I haven't had it too bad. But compared to the rest of my short life, it was PRETTY bad. Massive guy drama, school, and about 4 hours of sleep through it all-so yep, I'm dealing with a stress level I have never dealt with before.

Oh well. God is helping me to grow!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Knowledge in My Brain, Wind in My Hair, Sunglasses on My Face, Me on My Horse

That title sums up yesterday. It was EXHILIRATING. I went to the Design Science Association meeting in the morning instead of going snowboarding (cause it is below zero on the mt.) and went horseback riding on Ariel in the afternoon. We may not get President's Day off at the college but I got to ride Ariel on Saturday so I am happy.
The DSA meeting was so good because the speaker talked about how worldviews effect our culture. He talked about monism, biblical theism, evangelical humanism, naturalism, and I forget the last worldview but it was SO good.
Then I went riding: Becki rode on Bunny and I rode on Ariel. At the end, Ariel and I ran up and down the pasture (she goes 40 mph for her top speed but she's out of shape now.) I loved every minute of it!
This morning I slept in till 10:30 so I have a lot of homework to catch up on. Just letting you know how everything is going!

God is so good. He has given me every GOOD desire of my heart. Rightly is He to be praised.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

So frustrated!!!

I was just in writing class. The first half of the class was a good discussion between the teacher and one of the students. While it was good, it is writing class-we should be talking about writing! Anyway, then she gave us an article about Sally Ride, the first female astronaut in the USA, and about her efforts to encourage girls to be as good if not better than guys. It seems like my teacher has a total agenda. She is teaching the wrong class if she wants to reorganize our ethics. I had a lot to say about the article but we didn't have time today so we are going to continue discussion of the article next class. That is probably good because I was so worked up about how over dramatized the feminist movement is. Whatever. Now I am going to go to work...

Oh yeah! Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Happy Valentines' Day!!

"True Love For You"
A Poem by Me

When you're smiling,
I want to make you laugh.
When you're crying,
I want to drive the tears away.
When you're singing,
I want the world to be mute, and listen.
When you're running from life,
I want to hold your hands and stop the fear.
When you're dancing,
I want to be the music that lifts your feet.
When your arms are empty,
I want to fill them with myself.
When you think of true love,
I want you to think of me.

I wrote this on February 3rd. I wasn't writing it with anyone particular in mind, just being romantic. Maybe how I would want some guy to feel about me, and me about him. But there is no one like this for me, not yet.
Leave me a comment and tell me how you like it. If you want to read other poems I have written, go to and look under their poets for my name. I think I have about five or six poems there. Or you can try to find them in the archives of this blog.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

That is that.

I met a guy, we liked each other, I witnessed to him, he got mad, he isn't speaking to me. I guess I should just expect this to happen no matter what guy I meet. Oh well, it was God's will.
I just got out of math class. I am in the library surrounded by gruesome pictures on the walls by post-modern art students. Also around me are hundreds of souls who Christ needs to reach. Where to start? Well I don't know so I will wait for the Holy Spirit; He hasn't let me down so far...

I guess a good place to start is the guy who just waved to me. He comes to lap swim on Tuesdays and Thursday and Allison swears he likes me. I wish no guy (till the perfect guy) would like-like me ever again. But I suppose that that is one way to reach people for Christ.

I have to go teach at the pool. Oh, yeah, pray for Mike. He is in one of my classes. We talked yesterday and he may come work at the pool this summer if they hire him. He is a really nice guy, not my type, but a nice guy. Well, I really do need to go now. Sorry this posting was so random, if you know me at all you will be able to make some sense of it and understand my train of thought a little.

The last thing is that I am so totally bummed because I did 5 extra hours of homework last night, writing a memo that isn't due till next week. Oh well, at least it is done and I don't have to worry about it.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Is this really what the world is like?

I am sitting in the library trying to tell you all about my week and this guy next to me keeps talking to me and asking me about the dates of fall term and summer term. Yes, I am being polite. He is quiet now....
I have a guy question and I need a guy to answer it...any takers? No, I am not going to ask my friendly computer neighbor. My question is: A married guy in my math class keeps saying little things that make me feel uncomfortable. He is like 3o-something and he keeps saying stuff like I am beautiful, etc., every SINGLE class. Last class he called me "honey!!!" That totally freaked me out. I need a body-guard.....
American Government is still swell (do we even use that adjective anymore?) but writing a page long memo every week about foreign policy is getting tough. On Tuesday I stayed up till midnight writing it because it was so hard to find an article to go off of.
Back to the library...I am sitting at those funky curved tables with the computers at them. Across from me is a guy who needs to shave, next to me on my right is Mr. Curious, and diagonal to me is a guy who practically has his finger in his eye and is wearing a hat that say "Dazed and Confused." He looks dazed....from what I do not know....
Well, I didn't bring any lunch and I am super hungry so I need to go to the cafeteria thingy...I will update soon.

Friday, January 20, 2006

School is going pretty awesome!!!

I have decided I do like my writing teacher. It just takes a little while to get used to her. My math teacher is as always funny and the two guys and girl I sit with are great people. My American Government class has been heating up...
Wednesday we were talking about free press. The teacher asked if anyone agreed that we had a free press. (One thing about my class is about five people talk and the rest of the class is practically asleep.) So I piped up, furiously swallowing my dominating fear of man's opinion and said, "No. We do not have a free press. We have a biased press." The teacher's eyebrows went up and he came over and sat on the table in front of my seat.
Mr. Reynolds, my teacher, has said many times that he wants discussion in class. Well, I was about to give him a facefull. :) He asked me what my opinion was and this is what was said (roughly):

"The Jews control the media." (Yikes!! What a starter. I have no idea if there are Jews in the room but fortunately I am in the front row so I just put little blinders on (so to speak.))

"Pardon me?"

"The Jews control the media and they have an agenda, therefore, they restrict those who have ideas that are contrary to their agenda." Surprisingly, another girl in my class seemed to know what I was talking about and mentioned a few corporations she knew were Jewish owned.
We talked about that a little more before talking about OPB (Oregon Public Broadcasting.)

"So is that free press?"

"Absolutely not!" I said, "If you have ever watched any of their nature shows they never once mention the side of creationism yet push for evolution the entire time."

"It sounds to me like you are coming from a very religious foundation. That is okay-you can organize your life around religion if you want." He said something else I don't really remember before starting this sentence:

"I don't know of any serious scientist who doesn't believe in evolu...." I instantly raised my hand. He stopped and motioned for me to say what I wanted.

"Have you ever heard of the book 'In Six Days?' Because that book is made up of essays by 50 scientists, most of whom have Ph.D.'s and teach at prestigious universities around the nation, who have found scientific proof against evolution in numerous areas of study from mathematics to micro-biology. I just wanted to make you aware of that because it isn't quite true to say that no creation scientists exist."

At this point another student said, "Is this book speaking about creation or offering criticism of evolution? Because creationism is just a theory."

"So is evolution. No human being was present to see it happen therefore any idea of how the world was created is just a theory."

The teacher said something about fruit flies evolving to which I responded that that example is merely micro-evolution, although I didn't get the opportunity to explain what micro-evolution is.
This entire discussion was spaced throughout twenty minutes which is nearly half the class. Today I had Am. Gov. again and at the end Mr. Reynolds asked me if he had quite thoroughly offended me last class. I said he hadn't and the conversation was over.
So I have decided two things, well it is more like three:
  1. I love college.
  2. College is not about finally getting a date.
  3. College is about apologetics/defending what I sincerely believe.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm Back!!

Well, it has been way too long. But I am in college now and homework is eating me alive and it is just the first week. Crazy, right? I think the only reason it is really stressful is I have never had to do homework before. I mean I have at least 25-30 problems in Math 95 due tomorrow, 10 pages of reading in Writing 121 and a draft summary due Thursday. Fortunately, my American Government instructor was polite and refrained from giving out any homework. But he has two more days this week to do it.
Fortunately, next Monday is MLK Jr. Day so we have no school. Too bad it isn't in a few weeks when I'm really going to need the break.
I am at the college library right now and I just finished Writing 121. There were some really cute guys in my class. Speaking of cute guys, just about the most handsome guy I have ever seen is on the computer opposite me-wow! :) I know, I know, you're laughing..but he is!!
After I finish here I have to go to the pool, lifeguard for an hour, after which I have a break for an hour then I teach fo two hours. Then-homework!!!!!!
Oh yeah! I turned 18 last Sunday!! Wahoo!! Happy Birthday to me!!