Life is so.....

..unneccessarily complicated sometimes.

Why do insecure people feel the need to stomp on others which only results in a temporary power surge which results in more insecurity if the victim doesn't react in the expected "fold and crumple" routine?

Why do we care so much about what others think of us?

Why do we need the world's approval to feel valid?

These questions may seem really self-explanatory to some people and I guess they are but I want to share my journey that ended with the answers to these age-old questions.

No one can say that being homeschooled has stunted my strength to fend off peer pressure and insults. I think it prepared me for the next thing that happened in regards to dealing with others my age.

I joined the swim team. Actually, I had been on the swim team for over 5 years but I was advanced through the ranks to the elite Senior team, run by a nationally ranked coach.

I remember being so scared my first day. But I was really glad that I had some friends, who had previously joined this group, to help me find a niche in the tightly knit, exclusive ranks of the Senior swimmers (who I might add are almost all nationally ranked swimmers.)

But I was wrong. I was rejected almost from the first by most of them and all of the girls but one or two and I came home in tears many nights out of the week.

I remember feeling confused and angry because I didn't do or say anything to them to bring out this instant cold front from them.

Now I understand more.

The girls were all insecure. We were being taught by a very sight-oriented coach who insisted that all the girls lose ridiculous amounts of weight. I remember how mad all the girls were when he started having a "girls" meeting and a "boys" meeting. With the girls, he talked extensively on weight loss issues and dieting, and with the boys he talked about technique and stroke-work.

This resulted in most of the girls upping their dieting even if they were at the perfect body weight for them. This resulted in eating disorders and loss of self-confidence. I blame our coach and the media for this. They, collectively, ruined these poor girls, some of them, for life.

Therefore, since they felt so horrible about themselves, they attacked those lower in the "food chain." In other words, I was their therapuetical scape-goat, because I didn't respond to our coach the way they did. Sure I was a little scared of him but I had joined the team with a sense of contentment with my body and they didn't have any contement.

This went on and on and on, escalating at times when I had to swim freestyle because of a shoulder injury when everyone else was swimming a long butterfly set. Or when I had to use a pull buoy to avoid further knee damage when everyone else was partaking in a grueling kick set.

I was used and abused, so to speak.

Many girls would come out of this experience scarred for life. However, I have closed that chapter of my life entirely differently.

First, I do have body image issues. I was and am a curvy (not fat!) young woman. It was hard to be around 100-lb. women and not feel insecure. It would be for anyone. But I think this will help me to become stronger as I work through this area in my life and become content with my curves again. They have all conformed to Hollywood's (and our coach's) ideal.

Second, I have come out of this experience with a decreased interest in what people think of me. All that I care about is what God thinks of me.

I found out on Saturday, by a "friend", that I was hated to the utmost on that team. They had no reason, no excuse. My mom says it is because I am strong and confident, in the Lord. May it always be that way.

The only other option is to end up empty and joyless when our beauty fades and our skin sags and our glorious muscles grow weak and our sarcastic, quick brain gets old and slow.

Who knows how much time we will have to waste worrying about weight and the world's opinion? Life goes by in the blink of an eye.

Don't waste it. Live in joy and peace in Christ.